Day 8 Reflections: Austin

Day 8

I have that feeling that I had earlier when the guards were pushing everyone out of St. Peters because it was closing time. 

"But... I don't wanna go..."

"(rambling annoyed italian)"

"fine..."

I hope I did it well. I hope I figured something out. I hope I didn't fly halfway around the world to realize I blew it. missed what I was supposed to find. 

nah

But I know all those thoughts are from the bad spirit. These are the thoughts that desolation brings. That same desolation that God has been so insistent that I learn to fight. 

I did well. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did my best and I'm very happy with that. So what did I learn on this trip?

I learned that God grants requests, first of all. Oh gosh, my theme this whole week has been this whole consolation-desolation prayer relationship. The challenge of praying when I feel empty just as well as I do when I'm overjoyed. I had both kinds of moments, and looking back, I can see clearly now that God planned that. I would have almost alternating days of highs and lows. Almost like God was telling me one day "I'm here, remember this, hold on to this, keep me with you and do not forget." And the next day He would be silent, urging me to live up to what He commanded the day before. In this way, I asked God to make me stronger. Make me less flimsy. Less wavering in what I believe. It works. And I love him for it. 

I bugged Mr. Romano all day to let me go back to St. Peters. I was so happy to see it one last time. I'm so happy there. Its like walking into heaven. A heaven thats being thoroughly photographed by representatives of every nationality. Ever.

Which I admit, can be annoying. I feel like so many people go in there and miss the whole point. Its not just pretty. Its not just huge. Its not just a new profile picture.

Its God. It's his house.

But Im in no position to judge that. The church wants people to see her. To take a look. Even if its just for a facebook picture. Because the church is open. It just wants people to come home. 

At the same time though, of course, I've seen great life in the church here. Thousands of people crowded into St. Peters square for the angelus. Girls were screaming. People were playing instruments and waving flags. 

The church is alive. Its comforting to know in a world that can be so lost, God is still very much in charge. 

So, leaving St. Peter's, I turned around one last time. I made a promise.

The next time I come to St. Peter's, I'm going to be even better. I'll have loved more, complained less, let go of those things that are secondary. I will be a little more worthy to set foot inside that place. 

Until then, I'll be unpacking this experience. I have to, as Father Johnson said, live it out before I really know "How it went." 

Thank you so much to everyone that made this trip possible. I grew in so many ways. some of which Im sure I haven't even discovered yet. 

Thank God, Austin

(me, doing EXACTLY what I was complaining about other people doing in this very blog post. Whoops)