Tonight, we shared some of our best experiences as a group. Everyone had something powerful to say, often much better than anything on my mind. And I truly hope that everyone else shares what they said as well, because its not my place to share it for them. I can, however, share what meager insights I had myself.
I talked about two moments that have shaped my experience profoundly.
The first happened about an hour ago. Me and Patrick were riding in the back of a bus when we started talking to group of American exchange students. When gave up the fact that we were aspiring to be priests possibly, their natural responses where things like "uh, why?" and "haha yeah you can become a priest so you can let women be priests too." I began to do my best to gently explain who I was and what I believe in, but I quickly realized I was dealing with some very worldy teenage girls, a fallen away Catholic "Im-not-christian" type being one of them. I managed not to offend anyone and we had a nice conversation actually. Reflecting on my feeling in that moment, I was stressed out. My heart was beating fast, I was fighting to keep my sentences coherent. I think my blood pressure might have doubled. I think all these things are natural when we are challenged by people who believe in something else. But there was something else there. Something very powerful that I haven't, even an hour later, quite shaken off yet. It was that feeling of explaining and defending that truth of the faith in a very humble, calm, not-preachy, polite, and collected way. I love that feeling. I love standing up for my God. It's in those moments that I realize how deeply and passionately I believe in what I "preach." Not that I'm anywhere near as solid as say Brandon or Toan at this, but still, I love it. And that feeling carries me. Even when being demanded on the spot to explain "Why on EARTH" I believe in a flying magic God. (Although, I admit, I kinda just did my best and deflected the question to Brandon, who was also a bit caught off guard, understandibly: Hey, we're trying). But in the end, they got off the bus and I turned to that girl, pulled out a rosary and said, "Hey, think about it." She took it. So who knows. Praise God for the little chances.
For my Second Moment, I shared a little deeper about my adoration experience with Toan yesterday at St. Ignatius. I talked about this in my last post, but theres more to the story. I'm going to be more open now. I was spiritually desolate that whole day before that happened. When I came out of that hour, after a good deal of sobbing (which I admitted to earlier) I had realized two things. The first is that God loves our prayers most when we don't want to pray to him. I elaborated on this in my last reflection. Make no mistake, I definitely was feeling something by the end of that hour. Something great and true and powerful and completely totally indescribable. I re-entered consolation as soon as I recognized that my desolation was just as much of a blessing. But the second important thing was that of pain. God very powerfully told me in that hour, in his loving but stern fatherly way, to "Stop expecting it to be so easy." Nothing worth having is easily won. And nothing is more worth having than God. The logic follows rather smoothly. So again. I want to emphasize that I cried. A lot. And. it. felt. fantastic.
So since then I've been taking my roller coster of spiritual highs and dryness as they come, trying to be content with both. I prayed two and a half rosaries today. One of them was so boring I stopped (which is a mistake, I admit). But the other two were so enjoyable I couldn't believe it.
Life comes like that. I have to take the good with the bad. I feel fantastic right now. I'm blogging about what I love. I got to see the tombs of some of the greatest Saints in history today. Blaschke is buying me a sandwhich (God bless that man). But who knows what will come tomorrow? It'll probably be fantastic, but if it's not, I will smile anyway I hope. Because pain is important. Suffering is the only way to greatness. And that's a lesson I think Jesus taught fairly clearly by His own example.
I am so blessed. Thank you all for reading, especially the donors. I truly have been praying for many of you by name, and I love each and every one of you. I would like to finish by quoting the end of one of my favorite prayers.
"I got nothing that I asked for, but everything that I'd hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers and desires were answered. I am, among all men, most truly blessed."
Thank God -Austin
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