Meet Our Pilgrims: Toan Cao

Ad Jesus Per Mariam (A.J.P.M.)

I don't really know how to begin so I'll start with my name. My name is Toan which is pronounced kind of like Juan but with a "T" instead. Forgive my grammar, this was not edited. [Don't worry Toan, I edited your grammar. -Brandon]

In describing the way that God has worked in my life, I love to use the image of a fishermen. God is the Fisherman and I am the tiny little fish just swimming about. The earliest memory of my life is of when I was around 5 or 6 years old. I was in a restaurant with the entire side of my dad's family, and I remember promising to everyone there that when I grew up I was going to be a priest. I remember it because promises are something I hold very dear, and I don't make them lightly. At a young age, God gently used His fishing rod and hooked me in the corner of my mouth.

For a few years after God "hooked" me, I was all about being a priest because that's all I had known. I lived under a cave back then...even now for those that know me, so I didn't really know anything else. As I moved on into junior high, I fell away from the idea of wanting to be a priest but the memory never left me, never unhooked. I got distracted with the world. God became just a Sunday thing and something to do before meals. Now my dream was to travel the world. To do that, I needed money. To get the money for such a dream, I needed a job. So my game plan was to become an orthodontist and make a lot of easy money and save up so I can achieve my dream. I became self-centered. I asked myself, and was asked by others, the wrong question: "What do you want to do when you grow up?"

I carried this plan from junior high up until around my junior year of high school. I never forgot about that promise I made when I was little. Every time I was asked about if I was considering the priesthood, something "yanked" at my heart. I could never say "No." I always remembered that promise and instead said "Maybe?" This was very time I heard anything about the priesthood during a homily or any time I found myself thinking about it. I always said to myself to some degree "Maybe me." 

I grew up around God's messengers dressed in white. They are called the Vietnamese Dominican Sisters. Don't let their joy and smiles fool you, they are clever little foxes. They just have that touch to make you think about the priesthood. I remember last year, as I was walking out of their convent, two sisters came up to me and asked me a simple but clever question: "Are you a seminarian?" Obviously I wasn't, but it got me thinking as to why they thought I was a seminarian. It was little questions like that, or comments like, "You walk like a priest" that always got me thinking that people see something in me that I don't. Small things like those were tugs.

Soon enough, I began asking the question, "Why is it that I can never say no? How come all the other guys around me can say no to the idea of becoming a priest so easily?" There was always a tug at my heart. It pulled and yanked at the idea, and it simply never left me alone. Only now do I realize that it was the patient and wise Fisherman Who had hooked me, giving me a pull and then letting me run away. Then He would yank again, never letting me forget He had me, and then letting me run away again. I realize now He was simply tiring me out. He allowed me to run and run so that when I became too tired to run, I would surrender, and He would just reel me in. To make a long story short, I gave up running about a year ago. Now I am just swimming towards the good Fisherman, anticipating the joy when we meet face to face.

Just a side note for those discerning as well. I struggled with unworthiness many times in my path. For those that feel like you are being called but are not qualified, please hear these words that brought me consolation: "God DOES NOT call the qualified...He QUALIFIES the CALLED."

I believe this pilgrimage to Rome is simply one of the joys that the good Fisherman has placed in the path of a little fish like me that has decided to swim towards Him. I would like to thank everyone for their support both financially and spiritually. Please know of my prayers for everyone that has supported us. I still have much discerning to do still and I pray and trust that the Lord will reveal to me what His love has ordained for me.

Oh don't forget: A Rosary a day keeps the devil away. God bless.